Have you ever entered a relationship that got
very intimate very quickly, only to watch it crumble just as quickly a month or
two later? This seems to be a recurring trend as more and more people become
immersed in the “hooking up” culture. Hooking up seems to be everywhere – TV
shows, the Internet, and blockbuster movies such as No Strings Attached and Knocked
Up. But what does this seemingly innocent term really mean? Many people
have different definitions, but in this context I am going to use Justin Garcia's definition of
“brief uncommitted sexual encounters between individuals who are not romantic
partners or dating each other.” In brief, it is physical relations without
long-term commitment. And while many studies have found that this is perfectly
healthy for both males and females to engage in, it raises the question what
its effect on healthy relationships might be.
Why are
couples engaging in sex early on more often than before? For one, I believe
that the high sexuality used in media has an impact on individuals of all races,
gender, and ages. We all know that sex sells, and those in charge of
commercials, media, albums and movies may know that even better. Therefore we
are seeing more highly sexed images, lyrics, and plots in our everyday life. The American Association of Pediatrics states that “casual sex and sexuality with no consequences
[depicted in the media]” is running rampant. So when individuals are bombarded
with this idea that casual sex is okay, and everyone is doing it, they are more
likely to engage in it themselves. Besides, sex is fun and it makes you feel
closer to your partner. Why not give it a try before you get too invested?
Well,
not so fast. Many studies have found
that there is a link between delaying sex and more stable relationships
sprinkled with better communication and more trust. Which all makes sense, if
you think about it. If you give yourself time to get to know a person before
engaging in sex, you will be able to communicate what feels good to you
(leading to better sex), and what you’re thinking and feeling (leading to more
satisfying relationships) among other things. Unfortunately, the opposite seems
to happen. Googling “talking to your partner about getting tested” comes up
with many results on how embarrassing it is and how uncomfortable it can make
both of you feel. While sex is an embarrassing subject for some people, I
believe that if you are close enough to someone to let them please you
sexually, it shouldn’t be too hard to talk to them about getting tested (or
what it is that you like in bed, among other sexually charged topics.) And
waiting to have sex with someone helps you increase your communication skills
before you delve into the complicated relationship that having sex can
sometimes create.
It
is also found that when couples have sex early on, the reward parts of their
brain can keep them in relationships that they may not otherwise want to be in,
according to Dean Busby, study researcher of Brigham Young
University's School. People can experience a sort of sex haze, in which they think
they are interested in someone as a sexual partner, but it is just due to the
hormones that are released during sex. This can be problematic when couples are
not otherwise compatible, but think that they really care about one another.
Down the road it can lead to volatile breakups and emotional scarring. If you
wait to have sex with someone, you can learn if you really like them as a
person before all those hormones start to interfere.
Finally,
it is an age-old fact that men like the chase more than they like anything
else. If you make them work for the sex, they will value it a lot more because
they worked so hard for it! (And no woman wants an easy man, either.) As a
sidenote, this is not all to say that everyone should avoid casual sex. Not at
all. If you want to have sex with someone because they turn you on, by all
means go ahead. But if you like someone and see yourself being in a long term
relationship with them, delaying sex may lead to a healthier and more
satisfying relationship in the long run.
